Addendum to previous post

I want to clarify the final sentences in my previous post. Christopher and my family have been nothing but supportive throughout my job hunting and feet dragging. It is a blessing knowing I have them to turn to when I need encouragement. I will continue to write as I go on my journey of finding a new job.

self disclosure I

I'm dragging my feet.

I don't need anyone to tell me because I already know. My job search has been much discussion but little action.

I'm dragging my feet.

I know my job is not the best fit for me. I like short term relationships with my clients and not the long term "I must come up with something new every week and eventually fix them" relationships. I know, I know...no one who understands my job expects me to "fix" them but yet everyone expects me to fix them. I'm not sure I can make it off of the rewards of having a kid suspended only three times in a week instead of four times after six months of therapy. It isn't enough to keep me going. That isn't even considering the immense amount of pressure that comes with the title of "therapist." I like to refer out to therapists...Not BE a therapist.

So why am I dragging my feet?

After my last job where I was treated so poorly and every day was miserable, I vowed I would be in my new job for years. In fact, I told multiple people that I was here to stay. Initially I loved my job. Burnout wasn't on the horizon and I hadn't begun to feel the pressures of the job. Granted I was also getting married a month and a half after I started so that may have been part of my bliss. Even now, I still love many aspects of my job. My boss is amazing. My co-workers are incredible people. I truly love the children with whom I work.

My biggest problem now: I feel like a failure.

I feel like I went back on my word. I was considering telling my boss I am looking for a new job when a little bird decided to tell my boss first. I have a good enough relationship with my boss where I know she will be understanding and might even assist me in finding a better fit within the social work field. The hard part is that I also know I am disappointing her. Sure, I didn't make a promise that I would stay but I think I made a promise to myself and now I'm feeling the ramifications of that broken promise...to me, to her, to the people on my team.

I made my first phone call today to set up an informational interview. I am nervous because I'm not sure I know my niche yet. I know it isn't therapy but social work is an abyss of options. I'm not sure I can stomach starting all over AGAIN only to discover I was wrong AGAIN. Changing jobs is a frightening endeavor that is full of emotions that aren't easy to articulate.

I don't want to hear, "But you're such a good therapist." I need to hear, "I will support you in whatever you choose, this time and next time if that is what happens."

I will go at my pace and no one else's...not because I don't want to find a job faster but because I need to take care of my emotions as well as my career.

Thoughts on marriage...and Chris' hammock.

For Chris' half birthday, my parents, brother, and I all pitched in and bought Chris a hammock. My parents have one at their house and he absolutely loves it so we knew it would be a perfect gift. Chris' real birthday is the day of our wedding anniversay. Since I can already buy him winter clothes during Christmas, celebrating his birthday is the summer is much more fun. It also means he doesn't have to compete with any other event. Knowing Chris, he would bypass his birthday all together to make sure we focused on our anniversary. Birthdays are important to me which is why my family will continue to celebrate his birthday on June 3rd.

Yesterday I found out a friend of mine got married March 1st of this year. I was absolutely thrilled for him and couldn't wait to hear how much he liked married life. His response: I hate it. Hate it? How can anyone hate marriage. I know it can be rough. I've heard enough of the horror stories but the marriages that ended after only a few months typically happen in Hollywood, don't they? I'm not an expert after only 6 months but having been married twice as long as my friend, I feel that at least I know what it is like to be in the beginning stages.

I spoke with a previous roommate of mine yesterday afternoon after hearing from my friend about his marriage. My former roommate asked how married life was going. My response: It's perfect. Don't get me wrong. That doesn't mean we never argue, have hard feelings, or occasionally go to bed irritated with one another. If that were the case, I would have said our marriage was an anomaly. Our marriage, in my eyes, is perfect because we go through all of the trials of married couples but we continually strive to work through our differences. We hate those awkward moments of frustration enough to talk about it and get things resolved as soon as possible. We took great care in preparing ourselves for marriage by processing through hurdles other couples frequently run into after making the life long commitment.

Chris and I say please and thank you when one of us does the laundry, dishes, feeds the cats, takes out the trash, etc... Nothing is assumed or taken for granted. We appreciate each another. We help each other. And we completely adore each other. I know tough times with come but with Jesus as our focus, our families and friends as support, and a great marriage as a goal, we will make it through.