self disclosure I

I'm dragging my feet.

I don't need anyone to tell me because I already know. My job search has been much discussion but little action.

I'm dragging my feet.

I know my job is not the best fit for me. I like short term relationships with my clients and not the long term "I must come up with something new every week and eventually fix them" relationships. I know, I know...no one who understands my job expects me to "fix" them but yet everyone expects me to fix them. I'm not sure I can make it off of the rewards of having a kid suspended only three times in a week instead of four times after six months of therapy. It isn't enough to keep me going. That isn't even considering the immense amount of pressure that comes with the title of "therapist." I like to refer out to therapists...Not BE a therapist.

So why am I dragging my feet?

After my last job where I was treated so poorly and every day was miserable, I vowed I would be in my new job for years. In fact, I told multiple people that I was here to stay. Initially I loved my job. Burnout wasn't on the horizon and I hadn't begun to feel the pressures of the job. Granted I was also getting married a month and a half after I started so that may have been part of my bliss. Even now, I still love many aspects of my job. My boss is amazing. My co-workers are incredible people. I truly love the children with whom I work.

My biggest problem now: I feel like a failure.

I feel like I went back on my word. I was considering telling my boss I am looking for a new job when a little bird decided to tell my boss first. I have a good enough relationship with my boss where I know she will be understanding and might even assist me in finding a better fit within the social work field. The hard part is that I also know I am disappointing her. Sure, I didn't make a promise that I would stay but I think I made a promise to myself and now I'm feeling the ramifications of that broken promise...to me, to her, to the people on my team.

I made my first phone call today to set up an informational interview. I am nervous because I'm not sure I know my niche yet. I know it isn't therapy but social work is an abyss of options. I'm not sure I can stomach starting all over AGAIN only to discover I was wrong AGAIN. Changing jobs is a frightening endeavor that is full of emotions that aren't easy to articulate.

I don't want to hear, "But you're such a good therapist." I need to hear, "I will support you in whatever you choose, this time and next time if that is what happens."

I will go at my pace and no one else's...not because I don't want to find a job faster but because I need to take care of my emotions as well as my career.