From a child's perspective

One of the kids I work with is not only cute, but very challenging. He has a tough home life and it is reflected in his behavior at school. He will have to repeat the first grade because he reads and writes at a kindergarten level. It isn't that he has a learning disability or is dumb. In fact, verbally, he is beyond a first grade level. The problem lies in his behavior which has been so awful that he has missed tons of school. I now spend each morning helping him start his day off right and have managed to build a good relationship with him.

During our last session, he was being very difficult which, sadly, is not unlike him. He was finally able to verbalize that he missed his teacher and was feeling sad about it. (His teacher was the one I previously mentioned who took a few months off due to stress.) I helped him write a letter to her and he said he also wanted to draw her a picture. He said he wanted to draw a church since that is where his teacher and I see each other. He proceeded to draw a seven year old non church goers version of a church.

He drew what looked like a tepee. He drew Jesus hanging on a cross and tested multiple crayons before he decided which was the right "red" for the blood. The more he drew, the more excited he became. The church was topped off with lights, a light switch, speakers, stairs, excessive amounts of snow, and of course Santa Claus in his sleigh with reindeer and bags of toys for children. The picture is precious and I'm sad to part with it. For a kiddo who has only been to church once with his grandpa, it was quite the drawing.

I brought the letter home and showed Chris. He loved it. I can't wait to give it to the teacher. I know she will be touched.

Fried, cooked, charred, or just plain burned out

When the substitute teacher walks out and says he is never coming back to the school, you know. When a presenter from L.A. stops in the middle of the all school assembly to say he has never been disrespected by an audience like this before, you know. When a wonderful teacher has to take a leave of absence because she is grinding her teeth at night due to stress from her first grade class, you know. When the new kid you are supposed to add to your caseload gets arrested his second day of school, you know. When you haven't had a day off for 3 1/2 months, you know. You know it is time for the mental health therapist to take a mental health day when the thought of talking to another parent or another child makes you want to crawl in a deep, dark hole. So here I am at 10:40 a.m. on St. Patrick's Day. I'm sitting on my couch blogging instead of providing services to the kids who are about to put me over the edge. My cat is sitting next to me licking out the remains of my banana bread from the tupperware it was in. My other cat is taking part in an activity known as sleeping and I'm about 5 minutes away from joining him. However do I think I will opt for the bed instead of the floor. Let the 3 day weekend away from work begin!

The Dumpling 

Whirlpool and all

We did it! After much pain and agony, we have chosen a house. We have put an offer down on the house. We have haggled with the seller of the house. We have signed the papers for the house. And we have declared the house to be cute. Adorable actually. MOB is referring to it as a dumpling due to its cuteness, adorableness, smallness, and her need to give everything a name. Chris and I are just plain excited.

The house is a wee bit smaller than the townhouse we are living in now but the difference is that it is OURS!! No more dumping stupidly large amounts of money into rent. The house that will be ours on April 20th is a three bedroom, two bath...three if you prefer bathing in the whirlpool that is sitting on the huge deck out back. The kitchen is large and we have a wood burning fireplace. Those were our two big essentials. I also wanted a large walk in closet but my definition of large and other people's definition of large is completely different. Thankfully the master bedroom closet is MY definition of a large walk in closet.

The only downside to the dumpling is that the living/dining/family room isn't all that big. The current owners have one couch and one big chair along with a small dining room table. Chris and I have two couches, no chair, and a slightly larger dining room table. One of our couches is a recent purchase since previous to that, only two people could sit in the living room at a time. Needless to say we were really excited when we found a wonderfully comfortable and inexpensive couch so that at least 5 people could be gathered together without anyone having to sit on the floor.

One tiny problem...

Am I the only one who has noticed that furniture looks SIGNIFICANTLY smaller in the showroom than it does once is arrives in your house? I practically passed out when it was delivered. We have no idea how we are going to manage both couches in our new living room and we can't afford to make another purchase such as a chair so we would have the option of putting the couch in another room...the kitchen maybe so I could be comfortable when I watch Chris cook dinner. :)

Seriously though, we aren't sure what we are going to do. We are minimalists so we don't like a lot of "stuff." Collections aren't our thing. Nik-naks aren't our thing. Less is more is our thing. So how we are going to manage our more than more two couches is going to be quite the feat. Thankfully, we are up for it. We can't hardly wait to move into our new house...or dumpling if you will.

Life with social workers

I’m a social worker. So is my husband. We graduated with the same degree in undergrad and graduate school yet we have vastly different jobs. Chris works for the VA and deals with homeless veterans with addiction and mental health issues. I work on the other side of the spectrum and am employed by a mental health agency but my office is in an elementary school. I have my own caseload of kids I am required to assess, diagnose if appropriate, and provide services.

So how does this marriage of social workers play out after a hard day of social work work? Typically one of us...or just me...vents about the day and the frustrations of not having "Brat, Pain in the Butt, Liar, Bully, and a variety of other than less than complimentary but sadly accurate descriptions listed in the Diagnostic Handbook. Instead, I am stuck with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Anxiety, Depression, etc... How limiting!!!

And on the treatment plan I am required to create, I find it a bit binding to not be allowed to give certain thick skulled kids a swift kick in the pants on a weekly (or daily) basis. It might really help a few of these youngsters. Instead I am required to actually talk to them.

Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love my job. It does have its challenging days and that is where Chris comes in. He understands my need to be un-politically correct for a few minutes. He gets it when I need to make less than sensitive comments since I have spent the last nine hours being sensitive to everyone I come into contact with. This is just a tiny bit of my husband that I couldn’t live without. If I didn’t have it, I am not sure I could be nearly as effective a social worker I like to think I am for the kids. Hopefully I provide the same sort of support for him in his times of un-PCness because when we need to vent, it is like the saying, when it rains, it pours…and boy can it pour in our house.

Listening skills...lost but not forgotten?

When did listening become something of the past? It seems that whenever I talk to what I assume (my mistake) is a professional, that I need to repeat myself over and over and over and over and over and…you get the picture.

For example, I recently spoke to an insurance agent who mispronounced my name. It was my maiden name for which no one can seem to pronounce. It isn’t a difficult name…Barger. That is said with a soft “g,” not a hard “g.” For sake of understanding, I will write what is the correct pronunciation as “Barjer.” What follows is my conversation with the listening impaired agent:

“Well Miss Barger I have reviewed your claim and I see you sustained some damage from the accident.”
“That is Miss Barjer and yes, I did sustain damage.”
“Oh, I apologize Miss Barjer. Would you mind taking a recorded statement?”
“Not at all.”
“Ok, it is 2:15pm and this is a recorded statement from Miss Barger. Hello Miss Barger.”
“That is Miss Barjer.”
“Oh, ok Miss Barjer…

Five minutes later…

“Thank you Miss Barger for taking the time to answer my questions.”
“That is Miss Barjer and your welcome.”

Did he not hear me the first two times I corrected him? Was there a memory loss within the 10 seconds it took to screw my name up twice? At least I was able to assist him in looking stupid on the recorded statement, not that he needed much help from me.

And then there was the lady from the promotion agency. I called to get confirmation for a promo job I am planning on doing tomorrow. I called, gave my name, and explained what I needed. She responds, “I don’t think we have any more openings tomorrow for auditions.”
“I don’t need an audition. I need to know if I am confirmed for a promotion I was called about for tomorrow.”
“Well I haven’t called the hotline yet but I’m sure we have a few more spots for an audition. Wait, are you already a client?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, I didn’t know that. Sorry. So you need to know about when the next set of auditions are?”
”No. I need to talk to someone about the promotion tomorrow. Someone from your agency called me about a promotion for SoBe.”
“SoBe like the drink?”
“Ah, yeah. Like the drink. Is Rudy (the boss) around?”
“Noooo. It’s his day off. So this is for SoBe? Wait! Is this the promotion for SoBe? I know about that. When is it?
“Tomorrow!”
“That’s the third time you have said that isn’t it.”
“Ah, yeah.” Etc…

Who decided all of the smart people were no longer going to talk on the phone and reserved those jobs for complete morons? It isn’t terribly difficult to listen. It requires closing your mouth and opening your ears. Granted there are classes in active listening skills so something must be difficult but I’m not asking for active listening. I just want the basics. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so…

Reality Check

Home buying. Quite the daunting task for those who have never owned their own home. Thankfully, Chris and I have a good realtor and we think we have done our homework. After going house hunting first time last week and then taking a closer look at our budget Sunday night, we have had to re-evaluate what we can realistically afford. What started out as fun has become stressful and frustrating. How can we get what we want and still feed ourselves?? It isn’t like we have overly high expectations. He wants a fireplace and a decent kitchen where he can cook. (Yes, he does the cooking. More on that in another blog.) I want a garage for both of our cars and I don’t want to feel as though I am living in a box. So we ended the weekend with dashed hopes and begin to wonder how anyone can afford a house.

Reality check! That came Monday afternoon when I went to work and visited one of the kids I counsel. (I’m a therapist…aka: social worker, poor but happy.) I started talking to the child’s mom who is a single parent with three kids. She works very hard at her job at Wal-Mart but is in very poor health. But boy is she a firecracker.

I work at an elementary school in what is unofficially the inner-city. Roughly 95% of the kids at the school have free or reduced lunches and 99% of them live in bad neighborhoods. This mom lives in a beautiful neighborhood as the city recently renovated that area. Most of the old houses were torn down, the gang members were kicked out, and the crack houses were boarded up. Now the neighborhood boasts of beautiful houses with professionally landscaped yards. Most of the neighbors are new as well…most, but not all.

This mom I am working with is one of those neighbors who has lived in the same house for 10 years. She shared with me that changes are being made to the renovated neighborhood and that people who rent are no longer welcome. Apparently renters carry a certain stigma about them…poor, uneducated, dirty, and unable to maintain a nice looking house both inside and out. This mom may be poor and uneducated but her house is immaculate both inside and out.

She explained that her landlord is being bought out and the plan is to increase her rent so she can no longer afford to live there, thereby forcing her to relocate. She was upset as she talked about how she lived through the bad times where the gang members would egg her house because she wouldn’t let them park in her lawn, where she had to kick dope dealers off of her porch, and where she had to literally hit the floor when there were drive by shootings. Now that things have smoothed out, she is no longer welcome and although she is going to neighborhood meetings to advocate for herself, the future for her is bleak.

I came home from work yesterday with a different approach to house hunting. We may not have a lot of money to work with but we do have hope, we have options, and most of all, we have the ability to advocates for ourselves and we know people will listen. It is a time to count our blessings and move forward with humility, thanking God for what we have been given for so many others have been given less.

Lucky Lady

For Chris and his cohorts, it was called Operation V Day. For me, it was the holiday I detest more than any other. Valentine’s Day is equally as disgusting as Sweetest Day. Both are designed for couples to spend ridiculous amounts of money on each other and for single folks to feel absolutely rotten about themselves. I have spent far too many of these holidays on the latter end…although I do recall actually breaking up with a few gentlemen on that oh so special February 14th occasion thereby making myself part of the single crowd.

Every since last year, Valentine’s Day has had a slightly different meaning for me. Valentine’s Day 2005 was the day I started dating Chris and realized that he was the man I was going to marry. I even recall calling my mom the next day and telling her just that.

On this special day, Chris and I had decided not to do anything for one another as I had already gotten him a small gift the week prior and he had made me dinner over the weekend. The short of it: Chris changed his mind. The long of it: You are going to love this…

I walked out to my car and inside was a single red rose, a Hallmark card, and a digital recorder. I listened to the recorder and he explained why this day was special to him and that I was starting a scavenger hunt. I had to listen to each clue one by one and guess where I was supposed to go. The first clue led me to the Build-A-Bear store where Chris had prepared a Chicago Bears bear for me. (I’m a die-hard fan.) The girls at the counter couldn’t get over how much fun Chris was to work with and how excited they were with what he had planned for the evening as they had begged him to share what his other clues were.

In the next clue, I was informed to lower my visor and a coupon for a free car wash fell out. To truly understand how much I appreciated this, you need to realize that when I was recently in a car accident and was asked by my insurance company the color of my vehicle, I promptly replied, “It is the color of mud.” Sad but true. Now it is sparkly brown. :)

Next I was told to go to our favorite jewelry store. Mind you that it isn’t our favorite because of their beautiful jewelry but for their scrumptious, soft, and absolutely delicious cookies. I was told to go in and ask for someone who knew me. Not knowing anyone who might know me, I found three employees and explained what I needed. They all laughed, called to other employees, and I soon found a crowd of company employees around saying that I had finally arrived. Apparently Chris had made quite the impression here as well. They handed me a company bag with a red bow on top. I opened it and inside was a handful of their cookies wrapped in plastic wrap with a bow around it. It was creative, adorable, and had everyone laughing.

I drove home and there was Chris with my favorite meal from our favorite Chinese take out place. After eating, giving him what now looked to be quite the pathetic Valentine’s Day card I made from construction paper, we were about ready to turn in for bed. As what seemed to be an after thought, Chris pulled the drawer of the coffee table out and handed me a box from the jewelry store I had previously visited. Inside was an absolutely beautiful necklace with diamonds and a ruby, my birthstone.

Chris out did him self. He is quite possibly the most thoughtful, creative, and loving individual I have ever met. And somehow I have the privilege to be his wife.

He also made me look like an absolute schmo in the process but I will take it. Paybacks will be fun! I can’t wait to get started…

Surprises

Everyone knows that it is common for a couple to be given more than one of the same wedding gift. Some couples receive multiple crock pots. Others, like my friends Michelle and Brad, receive multiple unregistered items with their names and wedding date on it thereby making it unreturnable...which is quite possibly one of the gravest sins known to man. Chris and I were given, between actual books, books on cd, and lectures on cd, around 12 books/cd's of marital advice. Don't get me wrong. I think that everyone could use marital advice, some couples more than others. However, I also think that we have received more than our fair share.

I am in the middle of one of the books we received and many pages have been devoted to the topic of expressing love in the form of extra touches. I thought this was a relatively big no brainer because the "extra touches" are something Chris and I excel at doing. Today is a great example. Chris signed up to participate in a research study to help bring in a few extra dollars for us. This meant that he was going to be gone all day today and tomorrow. I decided I was going to surprise him and make an elaborate dinner and dessert for when he arrived home. I had just finished going through our recipes and picking out what I was going to surprise him with when he called and said he was sick to death of the study and was coming home. He then told me that he and my girlfriends' husbands had been planning on surprising all of us tonight by sending us to a salon and making us dinner. For a multitude of reasons, the scheduling made it impossible to keep it a surprise so he had to tell me. I am not the least disappointed he did as it saved me a trip to the grocery store.

What I appreciate is knowing that both of us were planning on going out of our way to express our love for the other. It is slightly humorous that we were both going to surprise each other with dinner on the same night. Great minds think alike.

Needless to say that not only do I feel very blessed to be in a relationship where we both recognize the importance of the "extra touches," but I also don't feel much of a need to make it through the other 11 books/cd's on marital advice. For the moment, I think we are doing just fine.

Weighty issues

Everyone knows about the college freshman fifteen. Not as well publicized is the Master’s make-you-lose-twenty-pounds-because-you-are-so-stressed-out. Sadly, Chris and I have been well informed about the weight gain that will surely come with marriage. From what I have heard, no one really lets you know you are gaining weight. It becomes one of those whispers between other women who comment about how matronly you are becoming. “Gee, she must really be enjoying married life but it seems to be catching up.” Come on now. Be honest and have the decency to say to my face, “Gee Torrey, you really seem to be packing on the pounds since you got hitched.”

It isn’t that I am eating that much more. It is more about the gym factor. What is it about married life that makes the gym so unappealing? I used to love (take the word love with a grain of salt) going to the gym. It was incredible emotional therapy. Shedding the calories so I could have my chocolate wasn’t bad either. Now it seems that the gym is my personal torture chamber. Chris knows me well enough to drag me there because he knows I will beat myself up if I don’t go at least a few times during the week. Even with him there it is still horrible. I try to get excited. Favorite magazine? Check. I-Pod? Check. Cool looking water bottle with the sticker from when Chris and I went white water rafting? Check. Although I don’t think I have cleaned it for a while so it smells a bit like feet. I am fully armed with toys in hand and shoes on my feet. I get to the base of the treadmill and all I can think about is how I would rather chew my arm off than get on and start running. And yet I do. I run and I run and I try to think about how much better I will feel when I am finished.

Well, I finished. I did it. I went running. Workout for tonight? Check! And somehow all I can think about is how I would still rather chew my arm off than go running again tomorrow. Post wedding pounds? Bring them on!

"You may now kiss the bride." 

The MC 

After many requests...

Welcome to the blog of the MC!! Chances are that if you have never been to my mother's website, www.motherofbridebyjan.blogspot.com, you have no idea what this blog is about or why on earth it is named, "Year of the MC." The bad news is that I refuse to give you the history which will prove to be important in understanding some of what will be written so you will have to check out her blog. The good news is that she is one of the most talented writers I have seen so be prepared to roll off your seat laughing.

This blog was created after multiple requests were made for there to be an off-shoot of my mom's blog. The requests were considered and after much deliberation, sweat, and tears, here we are...

My name is Torrey and I have been lucky enough to enjoy two months and one day of wedded bliss with my new husband Christopher, aka: The Beamer. This blog will most likely range from its original intention, what it is like to be a married couple (hence the "MC" title) all the way to cat poop and miraculous ways to fix it...the cat poop, not the MC.

Chris is having some male bonding for the first time since we got married on December 3rd, 2005 so I figured there was no better time to start a blog about the inner workings of our marriage then now. And now is the time for you to check out my mom's website so you will have a head start to what this is all about. Happy Laughing!